I am an honorable and decent person

I am loving and loveable

I am desirable and adequate

I am honest and trusting

Wait…. this is not true, I have been lying

What should I do?

I know I will “become” a good person, I see what is needed

All I have to do is pretend, then no one will ever know

That I am really...

Incapable of being honorable or decent

That I cannot love nor am I loveable

That I am inadequate and therefore undesirable

That dishonesty and a lack of trust is core

This works!! They are all fooled

No one knows.  Everybody thought I was perfect

I even believed my own lies.

I became all I ever wanted.  All anyone could want me to be

Honorable and decent

Loving and lovable

Desirable and adequate

Honest and trusting

But if I am all that I ever wanted, what is going on inside of me?

There is a war going on

I don’t understand who is fighting who or why

But the fallout is destroying my life

I am acting without honor

I am acting without love

I am being dishonest to be desirable

This war inside me hurts and that pain has destroyed so much around me

It has destroyed all that I thought was true

This war has cost me all that is dear

The worst part,

The enemy, was myself. 
The lies I fought against were the ones I told myself in the beginning

I believed the lie, or was it the truth?  Maybe it was both

How sad to fight a 30-year war trying to prove something I knew when I was two.

I am loveable

It is that simple and that hard.

Can I now put a stop to this war and give it some kind of meaning?

Only with love, knowledge, courage and desire

By loving me first, then sharing it with you

Let me not forget what is true or this war will never end

Member

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